


The Condom Thief

by extrastellar



Series: SuperBatFam [12]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Superman - All Media Types
Genre: Batfamily & Superfamily (DCU), Batfamily (DCU), Crack Treated Seriously, Domestic Batfamily (DCU), Established Relationship, Family Dynamics, Minor Barry Allen/Hal Jordan, Multi, Superfamily (DCU), superbatfam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23461222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extrastellar/pseuds/extrastellar
Summary: The world's greatest detective and the Man of Steel are facing their most challenging case thus far: Who of their children stole a whole box of condoms out of their bedroom on New Year's Eve?
Relationships: Barbara Gordon/Kara Zor-El, Billy Batson/Freddy Freeman, Cassandra Cain/Harper Row, Claire Clover/Duke Thomas, Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson/Wally West, Jon Lane Kent/Ryand'r, Jonathan Kent/Damian Wayne, Match (DCU)/Thaddeus Thawne, Roy Harper/Jason Todd, Stephanie Brown/Nick Gage, Terry McGinnis/Dana Tan, Thara Ak-Var/Chris Kent, Tim Drake/Kon-El | Conner Kent
Series: SuperBatFam [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1259030
Comments: 17
Kudos: 376





	The Condom Thief

Wayne Manor had been eerily quiet for over a decade ever since Thomas and Martha Wayne were murdered. Then, Bruce Wayne had started taking in children. And then, he had married Clark Kent who had his own brood of children. Ever since then, Wayne Manor hadn't been quiet again. Ever.

So, naturally, it was highly unusual for the Manor to return the eery silence it was once famous for.

"And suddenly, everyone seems to have lost their tongues." Clark crossed his arms in front of his chest, staring at the long table where all his children — biological, adopted and through marriage — were assembled in various stages of being awake and hungover. "I'm asking one more time. Who of you stole the condoms."

"Can I go?", Cass asked.

"No, you can't, young lady", Bruce said firmly.

"I'm a lesbian, Dad."

"And still a possible accomplice." Bruce crossed his arms, imitating his husband's stance. "You stay here same as your brothers."

"And sisters", Steph spoke up. "C'mon, Bruce. Be inclusive here."

"Steph?", Tim said from where his head was resting on the table. "Probably not the time."

"Where's Helena and Matt, by the way?", Cullen asked. "If all the kids gotta show up, why don't?"

"Lena is _seven_ and Matt _eleven_ , Cullen", Duke said. "Don't think either of them have much use for condoms unless she thought they're balloons or water bombs."

Everyone stared at him.

"What, for real? None of you ever...? Seriously? Wow." Duke shook his head. "This family is a disappointment. You are all missing out."

"Look", Clark said. "I really don't want to pull a lie detector and have to listen to your heartbeats to figure out if you're telling the truth, but it seems like I have to. Who of you stole a whole box of condoms from our bedroom?"

All the kids flinched with various grimaces on their faces.

"Yikes, parent sex", Laney muttered under his breath.

"The box was removed yesterday", Bruce said. "Now, various of you have had their significant others over yesterday as it was New Year's Eve. All of you are suspects. Dick?"

"Don't look at me!", Dick called and gestured wildly. "I have a toddler and three small kids! I don't even have the _time_ to have sex anymore! Wally can confirm!"

"Tmi", Billy groaned and shuddered.

"I think I heard Jake crying last night", Chris pitched in. "He woke up like three times. I don't think Dick and Wally would have had the time or the nerve to sneak into your room, steal the box and have sex all while looking after Irey, Jai, Mar'i and Jake."

"B, I swear, Wally and I have been doing nothing but fall into bed like dead for the last four months at night", Dick said and pointed at the dark circles under his eyes. "I won't sacrifice precious sleep for sex anytime soon."

"Fine", Bruce grunted and moved to the next person. "Jason?"

Jason yawned. "Lian was afraid of the fireworks cause they sounded like gunshots, she slept in Roy's and my bed last night. So no. It wasn't me. And your condoms would be way too small anyway, B."

The table broke out into hooting and Bruce's eyebrow twitched. Clark shook his head, but had to suppress a chuckle.

Barbara was next, but she was married to Kara, they wouldn't have much use for condoms, so he moved on. He also trusted Barbara enough to be a responsible adult — good grief, out of all their kids, Barbara was the best behaved and she wasn't even either of theirs. "Tim. Conner."

Tim groaned. "Wasn't us."

Conner looked about as dead as Tim. "Lena decided we were her entertainment crew last night. Barely got any sleep at all, she kept us running all night."

Bruce cringed internally. He had hoped that his daughter was worn out enough from the day and late evening to sleep more than five hours, but apparently, that had not been the case. He actually felt sorry for Tim and Conner. Tim especially got too little sleep anyway.

"Clear", Clark said and Bruce moved on.

"Duke."

"Claire and I don't have a kids-alibi, but I'm not insane enough to sneak into your room and steal a box of condoms, Bruce", Duke said and held up his hands. "We also got our own supply."

"TMI!", Billy yelped. And Cullen slid down his chair with a groan.

Bruce glanced to Clark, who nodded. All clear.

"Bury me now, Harp", Cullen whined dramatically and Duke just grinned.

Harper patted his head. "Most of us have been there. Not fun."

"Seconded!", Jason called.

"Jay, could you go _one_ hour without referring to your death? Just _one_?", Barbara asked.

Jason held up his hands. "Hey, it's my _coping_ mechanism, Babs."

"Uh-huh. Sure."

"I have a slip from my therapist!"

"Cheating on Roy with your therapist?", Stephanie teased. "He'll set your bed aflame with you in it."

Jason glared. "I'm gonna set _you_ aflame in your bed with you in it, you nasty little turd. A slip of _paper_."

Stephanie grinned. "Joke's on you, I never sleep anymore!"

Bruce rubbed his temple. "Stop. Stephanie, was it you?"

"Okay, B." Steph crossed her arms. "Nick and I were way too drunk last night to bother with a condom at all, so all I really wanna do is head to the pharmacy and get a test. Also, I'm on the pill. But just in case. So, no, I didn't break into your bedroom to steal them."

"I'll have to bleach my mind", Billy said, forehead on the tabletop.

"Same", Bran muttered.

Clark winced, but nodded at Bruce.

"Then by all means, please, go, get that test", Bruce said and Steph rose, walking out of the room with a bounce in her step. "Cass."

Cass gave him a flat look and finger-spelled 'lesbian' at him.

"She's clear", Clark said with a sigh and a look at his husband that said 'I told you so'.

"Fine", Bruce said and suddenly moved to the other side of the table. "Before any of you can get comfortable. Chris."

Chris shrugged. "Thara's way too pregnant. We're not taking the risk of accidentally inducing her labour."

Right. Thara's due date was only two weeks from now. Bruce fought down the spark of excitement that threatened to make him smile at the prospect of a new grandchild in the family.

"Anyway." Bruce cleared his throat. "Moving on. Brandon."

"Wasn't me", Bran said curtly and crossed his arms.

Bruce narrowed his eyes. "Do you have an alibi?"

Bran shrugged. "I was with Thad."

"Doing?"

"Sleep."

"He's telling the truth, Bruce", Clark said with a sigh. "No need to pester him further."

Bruce slowly moved away from Bran's seat. "Jon. Damian."

"Outrageous!", Damian snarled. "To think we would sink so low as to steal—"

"We didn't take them!", Jon squawked, turning redder than a firetruck. "I swear, Dad! I swear!"

Clark sighed. "Jon, please calm down."

Jon squirmed in his seat, looking exactly like a sixteen year old would look like when confronted about his sex life. Or lack thereof, Clark still liked to hope. Jon was his baby boy, after all.

"We've only been dating for a couple of weeks", Jon mumbled. "This is way too early."

Damian nodded. "I agree. Also, putting _us_ , your own flesh and blood as _a suspect—!_ "

"Dami", Chris cut him off. "We got it. And we're all suspects here. You need to chill."

Damian harrumphed and leaned back, arms crossed like a stubborn child, not like the eighteen year old he was.

Bruce gave his youngest a glare and moved towards Billy. "Billy."

"Nope", he said. "Freddy's got a latex allergy, we got special ones."

"Hope you didn't find the latex thing out the hard way", Tim muttered and a collective wince went around the table.

"We didn't", Billy said cheerfully.

"Since Billy's indisposed: tmi!", Harper called.

Bruce groaned internally. This was more taxing than interrogating a villain. Those _budged_ at some point. Kids? Not so much. "Laney."

"I don't even have an s/o", Laney said and rolled his eyes.

"Yes, you do!", Barbara called. "I saw you with Ryand'r!"

"Ryand'r?" Clark's eyes widened. "With Kory's brother?"

"Oh my goooooood", Dick sang. "The Kryptonian is hitting it off with the Tamaranean!"

"Shut the fuck up!", Laney barked, colour rushing to his cheeks.

"Is that why you haven't been around a lot lately?", Duke asked.

"Probably", Jason said with a mean grin. "And why he hasn't brought him 'round. Wouldn't have been able to keep his mouth shut. Or his hands to himself."

Laney lunged over the table with a roar and Chris barely managed to grab his brother by the ankle and yank him back.

"Jason, please", Clark said and rubbed his temple.

Jason raised his hands, his shit-eating grin growing even wider. "Juuuuuust saying."

"I'll kick your fucking ass all the way to fucking China, Jason", Laney snarled.

"Was in the mood for some Chinese anyway. Could visit the Leaguers there."

"Moving on!", Bruce droned. "Laney. Answer the question. Have you take —"

"I. Have. Not", Laney said and rolled his eyes. "Ry wasn't even _here_. We're not even a _couple_."

"Weird flex, but okay", Tim murmured.

Bruce ignored their bickering and moved on. "Terry." He paused, thinking. "Who are you even dating right now?"

Terry shrugged. "Dana. I didn't bring her though, she was busy. So I'm out."

"So it was nobody", Bruce said coolly and directed a general Batglare at all the kids.

"You haven't asked Kate, Kara, Harper, Luke and Jean-Paul", Clark pointed out. The Manor had been full yesterday, all their families had been there, extended, and close friends. Some Leaguers had shown up for a bit as well, much to poor Nick's shock who had only been in on the Kent-Wayne's superhero gig for a few weeks.

"Kate and Renee left before the box was stolen. Kara and Harper are unlikely, since Barbara and Cass already denied they had taken it", Bruce said and examined every face around the table once more. "And Luke and Jean-Paul were only here for an hour, Clark. Now, do I have to get all your partners at this table as well?"

"Not like they'd tell you anything different", Chris said with a shrug. "You'd probably have to interview everyone who was at the house last night, not just us and partners."

Suddenly, Bruce froze. "I know who it was."

Clark perked up. "Wait, what. Really?"

"The man-child and his husband who left shortly after midnight."

"Oh my god", Conner muttered. "He means Hal and Barry."

"Halle Berry?", Billy asked, confused. "Was she here?"

"Hal and Barry, Billyboy", Dick said. "Kon's just mumbling."

Conner glared, but he seemed to be way too tired to shoot back.

"How can you be so sure, Bruce?", Clark asked and arched an eyebrow. "There's no evidence. Or confession, for that matter."

"There _is_ experience from past pranks", Bruce growled, voice dropping into the Bat's. "It was definitely them. I'm the world's best detective. Trust me on this."

"Humble is his middle name", Jason muttered and got a slap on the back of his head by Cass.

"Father!" Damian rose to stand square-shouldered on his chair. "I demand an apology for this major inconvenience to all of us!"

"You will get an apology", Bruce said and his mouth quirked into a smirk. "Once you brought me back Barry Allen and Hal Jordan."

In a blur of motion and yells, a stampede of young adults stormed out of the dining room, screams of "I'll be right back!" and "can you watch the kid for an hour max?" echoing through the halls.

"Should we shoot Hal and Barry a warning beforehand?", Clark asked once their brood was out and on a manhunt.

"No", Bruce said and his hand came to rest on the small of Clark's back. "We could however use the time of an almost empty house to make good use of the condoms left in the drawer?"

Clark yelped when Bruce pinched his ass. "Bruce!"

He smirked. "Yeah?"

Clark stared for a moment, then sighed. "They might be back soon."

"Correct."

"I can't believe I'm doing this", Clark muttered, lifted Bruce up and dashed into their bedroom.

And if their superkids almost fell out of the sky when their hearing picked up on _very_ indicating sounds back from the manor, then that was okay.

They were invulnerable, after all.


End file.
